- Image by taberandrew via Flickr
In the first two installments of this series I have gone from annoyed to tongue in cheek regarding issues about fatherhood and the manner in which our roles can be diminished by society. In this third installment, however, I’ve gone straight to angry. Almost a year after my son’s birth this issue still grates at me and in some ways I believe creates the foundation for the disrespect that fathers encounter.
Imagine, if you will, the following scene:
After 20 hours of labor and an hour of delivery a child is brought into this world to much joy. The first time mother, exhausted from giving birth, the stream of visitors and the first night of feedings, rests comfortably (well, as comfortably as she can in a hospital bed) while the first time father gently rocks his progeny who is sleeping while bundled up tight in his swaddle blanket. Despite their attempts at finding a few moments of peace doctors and nurses continue to wander in and out of the room as if it was a hotel lobby. Just when they think they are finally alone there is another knock at the door and a woman, wearing a hospital badge and carrying a load of paperwork, makes her way in to interrupt their respite yet again.
“Good morning, I’m here with your son’s birth certificate,” she announces.
Excited, I rise from the rocking chair with my son, not even 24 hours old, cradled in my arms and approach the woman to take a look at his birth certificate. After all this is what makes it official, right? A sworn statement to the state that, yes indeed, this is my son, that is his mother and I am his proud father. I reach my hand out for the paperwork she is holding, only for her to proclaim:
“No, this is for the mother,” as she hands the paperwork to my wife.
Huh? Um, what are you talking about? I’m the child’s father and I don’t get to be involved in verifying the information on my son’s birth certificate? Surely you are kidding.
“I’m not kidding, and don’t call me Shirley.”
Ok, she didn’t actually say that, but she might as well have. At that point I wasn’t listening to anything else coming out of her mouth anymore anyway. Rather, I was trying to contain my generally white-hot Irish-Italian temper that has the ability to rear its ugly head instantaneously.
As my wife reviews the paperwork, she is kind enough to let me have a look just to make sure the information is accurate and then I notice something that makes me irate: there is no line for the father to sign, only the mother. Again, what? How can this be?
“In the State of North Carolina only the mother needs to sign the birth certificate” comes her retort.
Maybe I’m just being sensitive (and I don’t think I am), but I find it preposterous that the father is not given the opportunity to attest to the paternity of his own child. I don’t know how it is in the states in which you live, but here in North Carolina the legal standing of a father of a newborn child is reduced to that of an anonymous sperm donor. Hell, they might as well have not bothered putting my name on the thing and just put “Donor #8675309” instead.
Now, I was more than comfortable with the fact that my wife wasn’t about to surprise me with the news that I was not the father of her child like a scene from some poorly acted soap opera (or any soap opera, for that matter). Still, I can clearly see the opportunity for abuse in this situation.
Let’s say I wasn’t in a loving, committed marriage and that the child that was just born wasn’t conceived intentionally. The mother in that situation could have affixed my name to a birth certificate for a child for whom I may or may not be the biological father. In this doomsday scenario, that my wildly neurotic imagination has just created, I could be on the hook for support of a child that isn’t mine. The next thing you know I have to hire some legal dream team to defend me in a paternity case that I never should have been in the middle of in the first place. And with my luck that’s when I draw some progressive judge that determines that because I can afford to pay support, and the real father can’t, that I have to continue making support payments. This whole dizzying scenario ends when, after exhausting all my legal challenges, I have to flee to a foreign country with no extradition and a temperate climate.
When did some lawmaker or bureaucrat decide that the father’s signature wasn’t a necessary element on something as important as a birth certificate? What kind of message does this policy send to fathers?
To me it basically says that I don’t matter and that offends me greatly. Here I am in the middle of the greatest moment of my life and I am not even afforded the opportunity to sign my name to a document that my child will carry with him for the rest of his life.
Want to go to school? I need your birth certificate. Want to play sports? A copy of your birth certificate, please. Want to get married? Not without that birth certificate you don’t.
While it may take two to conceive a child, it only takes one (at least in the great State of North Carolina) to determine paternity.
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{ 21 comments }
Wow. Something similar happened to me here in New York State. I had to sign on after the fact that I was the father of my daughter (we were engaged at that point so I didn't take too much issue with this). But when we were discharged I went to pick the baby the nurses looked at me as if to say “you poor deluded fool” and then they actually said, “we need the mother to come get her.” I thought to myself, you mean the woman who's exhausted and had her guts all out on the table two days ago? Yeah, that makes sense!
Interesting thoughts. I have to mill over this in my head a little bit more for me to form an opinion because right now I am seeing both sides of this.
As far as they hospital is concerned they have no PROOF that you are the father. Therefore they do not want you to sign (fraudulently) a document that states you are the father. This could cause issues if down the road (not in your case) if the real father wanted custody or other legal issues that may arise. The hospital in today's day and age may be held liable for the false documents.
As far as you are concerned you feel that you are being disrespected and that you know you are the father so why can't you attach your signature to attest to it legally.
I think I am leaning more towards you on this argument but still not sure. Great article to ponder.
I disagree. If I'm there in the hospital, then a simple blood test solves any problem over paternity. If I were to take your argument about not wanting to create fraudulent documents shouldn't the hospital then also be concerned over liability in the event that a birth mother knowingly puts a man who isn't the biological father on the birth certificate? I have no anectodal evidence to support either argument, but, regardless, there has to be a better way than what they are doing now (at least in NC).
Seeing our son, has two daddies…I signed his birth certificate. But I am also listed as the Mother (since they do not have two lines that say Father..)
It's just one of a long series of injustices I'm discovering as a first-time dad. These people who regularly call for more involved fathers are speaking out of both sides of their mouth. We get involved only to find derision and we're often looked at as annoying novelties. I just posted recently about how I get furious when people ask me if I'm “babysitting” when I have my son. Babysitting??? I'm the kid's father. Dads don't babysit.
I've been told I get too defensive about stuff like this, but honestly I don't think dads get defensive enough. It sucks and I'm already sick of it.
Preach on brother! Preach on! I went through a very similar circumstance here in California. My wife and I were married at the time of my son's conception and birth. I was at all the Doctor appointments, all the birthing classes, and all 31 hours of labor. I cut the cord.
But my wife hadn't yet changed her last name. So…the hospital gives my wife's last name to my son! Why? Because they couldn't be sure I was the father. Despite the fact that my wife insisted, multiple times, that I was indeed the father. And as PJ Mullen mentioned, a simple blood test could have confirmed that for the hospital, the State, God, whomever!
Luckily, it was a temporary “birth certificate” and not the official State document on which we were allowed to specify his true legal name. But in the weeks after my son's birth, we had to take him back to the hospital multiple times for a few tests. It was ridiculously confusing to learn which departments had which name for him! “Oh, sorry, he wasn't listed with her name.” or “Oh, we apologize. We have him under her name, sir.”
I fully understand the hospitals having to walk a fine line, and I appreciate that. But there is a very simple and legal solution. It's called DNA. It's been around for a while…they might want to check it out.
i think not requiring the signature of the father or not giving the birth certificate is like that in a lot of states. definitely in nevada. here's the thing, i believe that the reason mothers have to sign and get the birth certificate is because they are the ones who carried the baby around 9 months. they are the ones who gave birth. i don't think it's trying to slight dads. now i know that there are some women who are just straight up b~tches who would put some random guy's name so that she can get child support, but most of us aren't like that. i was a single mom before i got married the 1st time. i did not put the father's name on the certificate. i actually was supposed to after i went on SA for 2 yrs and they collected CS through the DA's office. i haven't still. i can't put a man's name on a birth certificate of a child he has never been a father to. my son is almost 22…his father has seen him about 6-7 times in all that time. he's also in arrears of cs.
hmmm now i need to go look at the girls' b.c. cos i can't remember if their dad had to sign. he's definitely on both of them though.
PJ I love your blog but I am worried about your health. Your blood pressure has been pretty high lately. You are arguing to do more paper work. Anyway I get your point. Dad's shouldn't be second class citizens.
Same rules apply in Ohio and Illinois. It sucks, but has to do with women and girls who don't know who the father is or don't want to say. They can also abort the child without your knowledge and/or give the child for adoption if they don't list you as the father. Fathers Rights Suck. The hospital has proof of who the mother is, the father is just a sperm donor to them. You have reason to be angry.
Wow, good post, I guess I never thought about this way, I guess I do not need to sign a piece of for me to know that they aremy kids. My kids know I am their father and to me that is all that matters.
Wow, I had no idea. My kids are 9 and 12 and I don't even remember the birth certificate signing for either of them. I guess I was so high from the birth experience it didn't even occur to me. I agree that the father should be able to sign. One thing is for sure though, my 2 girls know I'm their Dad and for me that is all that matters.
Hey Donor #8675309, I'm Donor #8674223. I didn't think anyone else but me went by their donor number.
Pardon my el-Frencho but, F**K legality and hospitals and all things that happened there. I felt like an outsider… like I was some little bastard who raped my wife and made her have a baby and ruined her life. All the glances and glares from the nurses (except one), and the feeling like I was just some douchebag who pretended to care for my newly born daughter. It made me sick.
Damn the man. Fight the power! DADS WILL PREVAIL!!!
(whoa… you really riled me up!)
I think the issue is more with the laws of your particular state. In Indiana… my husband was very much part of the birth certificate process. The BC Lady who came to our room said that either of us could fill it out, sign it. It just needed to be a parent. So, at least in birth situations, dads rock in Indy! Don't get me started on how dads are treated in divorce situations though…
I was pissed too… there I was left standing thinking is this my child… did my wife sign some waiver… I felt horrible… I did not get the explanation about NC law either and until now I realize that that is how it is in NC. 2.5 years later… Thanks for the info now i know… Doner # 5193721
I was pissed too… there I was left standing thinking is this my child… did my wife sign some waiver… I felt horrible… I did not get the explanation about NC law either and until now I realize that that is how it is in NC. 2.5 years later… Thanks for the info now i know… Doner # 5193721
Much delayed response but I had this self-same conversation with my MOTHER recently. “$WIFE isn't home? Oh, so you're babysitting the boys then *condescending chuckle*” “No, Mum! I'm their father. I'm PARENTING the boys!”
I am rather proud of the fact that this was said calmly and that I didn't slam down the phone!
Sing it, Brother!
I am extremely upset about this too. My wife and I just had our first child 2 months ago. As I read your post it was like I was reliving my recent experience. On top of all that, when it was time for us to leave the hospital I reached out to pick up my daughter only to be notified that I was not allowed to carry her out. Evidently the same set of laws state that for security reasons it is mandatory for the mother to carry the baby out. I was obviously upset about that but what upset me even more was seeing my wife break down in tears because it hurt her feelings so much. Here we are having our first child as husband and wife and this is the kind of foolishness we have to remember…..It's definitely time to write some senators.
Congratulations on your new addition. I'm sorry you had to go through that, father's rights are ridiculously poor. It is sad that the special moments like that have to be ruined because of outdated bureaucracies.
Congratulations on your new addition. I'm sorry you had to go through that, father's rights are ridiculously poor. It is sad that the special moments like that have to be ruined because of outdated bureaucracies.
Here in the “great” state of NJ you have the option to sign your name to it. But god forbid the mother have another man sign. Or rather here is the doomsday scenario I almost faced:
The mother during the pregnancy married another man, and had him sign the birth certificate. By doing so, the other man became the legal and (unofficial biological father). This then stops the ability to court order a DNA test unless the other man permits it…
Fortunately he didn't marry her… But 2 years of his life my son has had another man's last name, and another man on the birth certificate. this has given her the ability to overrule anything I am not fast enough to show my court documents and bars me from WIC, Welfare and other state assistance programs (thankfully i do not need them…)
I have this to say DNA tests should be mandatory in this country, it will solve a lot of child support issues, it will save dads that want to be fathers and prevent cheaters from prospering…
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