Well, I did it. I entered my very first cooking contest.
In entering the recipe that I did I also took a big risk. Even though the rules of the contest didn’t stipulate that the recipe had to be something simple or easy to prepare, I felt no matter what it was necessary for [...]

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About a week and a half ago I reviewed The Good Men Project, a compilation of essays written by men on the topic of modern manhood as it relates to marriage, fatherhood, being a son and a worker. The book spawned a lot of my own thoughts about modern manhood, but I held back on some of my commentary to give the book its due.

Today the gentlemen who published the book have declared today ‘Good Men Day’ and I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to take a shot at answering the question that the book poses: What does it mean to be a good man?

To me, being a good man is something that you don’t necessarily achieve, but something to which you must constantly aspire. I also believe that it most certainly is not a mantle you can claim on your own. If the title is to be earned, the recognition must come from someone else in order to be authentic.

Life is a constantly demanding work in progress no matter if it is in relation to your career, relationship or family. As men we are constantly bombarded with difficult decisions, temporary weaknesses and even the occasional need to subordinate your own desires and ambitions in order to do what is the best for your family.

This makes me think of the immortal words that Lou Mannheim said to Bud Fox: “Man stares into the abyss, and there’s nothing staring back at him. That’s when man finds his character. And that’s what keeps him out of the abyss.”

What are some traits of a good man? He is one that:

respects his wife or partner
serves as a positive role model for his children
provides a son with the example of how they should treat women
provides a daughter with the example of what they should look for in their relationships
makes all decisions with his family’s best interest in mind
constantly seeks to learn from life experiences to better himself

I speak from experience when I say that at times it is much easier to take the path of least resistance, but in the end that isn’t always the best idea. I fight a near daily battle within myself about my role as a stay at home parent.

Not that I usually care what other people think about the decisions I make in my life, but being a stay at home dad is still somewhat taboo. Also, I do have career ambitions I’d like to pursue and financial goals I’d like to achieve that are impossible on a single income. Still, I know what I’m doing is the best for my family and need to proverbially ‘man up’.

Being a good man also comes down to choosing your battles – employing a bit of Sun Tzu, if you will. Now, I know what you’re thinking, two Wall Street references in the same post, really?

By nature I can be quick to temper, but I know that doesn’t mesh well with my much more mild mannered spouse. As an example, when we were first dating and I was managing a team of mortgage brokers I would have regular battle royales over the phone in her presence. Even though my vitriol was not directed at her, she became very withdrawn from me.

That realization taught me an important lesson about how to I could best manage our relationship and today, after more than five years together, we’ve never had a fight. Because we have set the level of expectation for our relationship and communicate effectively we haven’t ever really given the other a reason to escalate the minor frustrations we have faced into something more damaging. Some might say that is a sign that we won’t make it, but I wholeheartedly disagree.

As men we may have a number of roles and responsibilities to navigate in this life – husband, father, son, brother and worker. The true test of being a good man comes in how we maintain our priorities in juggling all of them and accepting the inherent weaknesses involved in being human.

Maybe in our pursuit we are seeking to emulate someone we admire or trying to avoid becoming someone that has failed us. Regardless, becoming a good man is a battle that won’t be easily won with plenty of obstacles that will regularly challenge our spirit.

For more on modern manhood and fatherhood, you should check out the round table going on over at Mocha Dad. I was honored to participate in the discussion with some other great dads and the first two parts of his four part series can be found here:

Tagged as: Family, Home, Parenting, Stay-at-home dad, Sun Tzu

What does it mean to be a good man?

by PJ Mullen on December 1, 2009

in Book Reviews, Captain's Chair, Featured

Laura

Very nice commentary! I came upon your blog by accident. You make me remember, and appreciate, that Tiger Woods does not represent all men and that the good ones are often quietly fighting the good fight every day. Rock on with your dad self!

simplefather

I like your (and teachertom's) point that you can't declare yourself a good man. Too often I find myself trying to justify in my mind why I'm a good man.

I hope to leave a great legacy behind when I leave this earth. It looks like you're well on your way to doing so... keep up the good work.

PJ Mullen

All we can do is work at it knowing that it is a lofty goal. I think you are well on your way too. Thanks for the kind words.

johncaveosborne

i believe that there are many, many buckets that one needs to fill to be a happy, well-rounded, productive, and positive influence on others. too many focus on the career/money bucket and forget about all the other ones. i get the sense that you don't fall into that mode.

we live in a world where giving thought to thinking isn't cool any more. but paris hilton sure is. we've turned into a society comprised of vapid individuals with fake tits, super-white teeth, and a bad reality TV habit. intellectualism is nowhere to be found, but superficiality is alive and well.

keep giving thought to thinking, PJ. there are too few of you out there. and keep striving to be that good man that i believe you to be...and go buy yourself a big green egg. it will change your life!

PJ Mullen

I focused on the career for long enough, had some success but was unfulfilled. While I still have some career and financial aspirations (more for my family than solely myself), I'm much happier now than I ever was. Call it getting older and wiser, or finding someone that makes you wiser, I'm not sure :) Thanks for the kind words.

theteachertom

I tried to mentally argue with each of your 5 traits of a good man and lost every time.

Several years ago I read a book by Thomas Mann in which he contended that eternal life was only possible through the stories other people tell about us once we're gone. Our focus, he asserted, shouldn't be on what people say about us today, but rather on what people will be saying about us 1000 years from now. We should regularly ask ourselves, "What do I want my part to be in the story of the human beings?" When I look into the abyss, this is what I think about. The story is full of guys who throw themselves in, or get frightened, or who resort to anger, revenge or hatred. I want my part to be as a man who loves his family and follows his heart.

I love how you describe your relationship with your wife. The respect is obvious and I'm blown away at your ability to set aside your temper. Four-letter words are not my thing, but that's f---ing awesome! Seriously.

PJ Mullen

Thanks Tom. I haven't always been this enlightened. There is something to say for wisdom of experience and the calming influence my wife has provided. That is a great philosophy that you have.

Eric D. Bolton

So you're saying that I shouldn't have bought my "#1 Dad" cap??

"As men we may have a number of roles and responsibilities to navigate in this life – husband, father, son, brother and worker. The true test of being a good man comes in how we maintain our priorities in juggling all of them and accepting the inherent weaknesses involved in being human."

This is the reason why i started my blog and called it "Juggling Eric" because it's the hardest thing I have to struggle with.

PJ Mullen

No way man, rock the hat out. For some reason I didn't make the connection on your blog title, but that makes total sense and is the truth. It is a difficult balancing act.