What does it mean to be a good man?

About a week and a half ago I reviewed The Good Men Project, a compilation of essays written by men on the topic of modern manhood as it relates to marriage, fatherhood, being a son and a worker. The book spawned a lot of my own thoughts about modern manhood, but I held back on some of my commentary to give the book its due.

Today the gentlemen who published the book have declared today ‘Good Men Day’ and I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to take a shot at answering the question that the book poses: What does it mean to be a good man?

To me, being a good man is something that you don’t necessarily achieve, but something to which you must constantly aspire. I also believe that it most certainly is not a mantle you can claim on your own. If the title is to be earned, the recognition must come from someone else in order to be authentic.

Life is a constantly demanding work in progress no matter if it is in relation to your career, relationship or family. As men we are constantly bombarded with difficult decisions, temporary weaknesses and even the occasional need to subordinate your own desires and ambitions in order to do what is the best for your family.

This makes me think of the immortal words that Lou Mannheim said to Bud Fox: “Man stares into the abyss, and there’s nothing staring back at him. That’s when man finds his character. And that’s what keeps him out of the abyss.”

What are some traits of a good man? He is one that:

• respects his wife or partner
• serves as a positive role model for his children
• provides a son with the example of how they should treat women
• provides a daughter with the example of what they should look for in their relationships
• makes all decisions with his family’s best interest in mind
  constantly seeks to learn from life experiences to better himself

I speak from experience when I say that at times it is much easier to take the path of least resistance, but in the end that isn’t always the best idea. I fight a near daily battle within myself about my role as a stay at home parent.

Not that I usually care what other people think about the decisions I make in my life, but being a stay at home dad is still somewhat taboo. Also, I do have career ambitions I’d like to pursue and financial goals I’d like to achieve that are impossible on a single income. Still, I know what I’m doing is the best for my family and need to proverbially ‘man up’.

Being a good man also comes down to choosing your battles – employing a bit of Sun Tzu, if you will. Now, I know what you’re thinking, two Wall Street references in the same post, really?

By nature I can be quick to temper, but I know that doesn’t mesh well with my much more mild mannered spouse. As an example, when we were first dating and I was managing a team of mortgage brokers I would have regular battle royales over the phone in her presence. Even though my vitriol was not directed at her, she became very withdrawn from me.

That realization taught me an important lesson about how to I could best manage our relationship and today, after more than five years together, we’ve never had a fight. Because we have set the level of expectation for our relationship and communicate effectively we haven’t ever really given the other a reason to escalate the minor frustrations we have faced into something more damaging. Some might say that is a sign that we won’t make it, but I wholeheartedly disagree.

As men we may have a number of roles and responsibilities to navigate in this life – husband, father, son, brother and worker. The true test of being a good man comes in how we maintain our priorities in juggling all of them and accepting the inherent weaknesses involved in being human.

Maybe in our pursuit we are seeking to emulate someone we admire or trying to avoid becoming someone that has failed us. Regardless, becoming a good man is a battle that won’t be easily won with plenty of obstacles that will regularly challenge our spirit.

For more on modern manhood and fatherhood, you should check out the round table going on over at Mocha Dad.  I was honored to participate in the discussion with some other great dads and the first two parts of his four part series can be found here:

• Fatherhood Round Table Discussion – Session I
• Fatherhood Round Table Discussion – Session II

Tagged as: Family, Home, Parenting, Stay-at-home dad, Sun Tzu