As men we are programmed to be problem solvers. Most of the time if you come to a guy with a problem, the first ideas that pop into our heads are ways to solve it for you.
About two and a half years ago I found myself in a position where there was no solution to a problem that my wife and I faced. Needless to say, I was dumbfounded at how helpless I was.
We had delayed our honeymoon six months so my wife could finish the last clinical rotation she needed to complete her doctorate. While we were on our cruise she kept thinking that she might be pregnant. A home test the day after we were off the boat confirmed her suspicions, then there were the doctors visits and finally the ultrasound.
Based on the numbers we were supposed to be 10 weeks along, but the baby was only measuring about six. Trying to be optimistic, the doctor said our dates were probably off and scheduled another ultrasound two weeks later. Second ultrasound, same result.
It was then that he told us that it looked like this pregnancy wasn’t going to work out for us. My wife’s options were to have surgery or let it “resolve” itself. To me that seems like a very cold term to use when you’ve already started loving the child that your wife was carrying. Long story short, it wasn’t “resolving” itself and she was then given some medication that didn’t work either. Ultimately she was forced to have surgery.
As I sat in the inpatient waiting room all I could think of was my wife and what she was going through. I was mad at the world because I was completely powerless to provide any relief to her pain. I’m pretty hotheaded at times, but I’ve never been that angry in my life. Still, I knew I had to contain it for her sake.
Before I was a stay-at-home dad I was “Bob the Builder” remodeling our house that I had demolished. I was doing the trim work in what was going to be the nursery when I looked up from what I was measuring and saw the paint swatch on the bare drywall. Tears and sawdust are a bad combination.
Four months later my wife found out she was pregnant with our son, which brought great joy back to our lives and made us appreciate the gift he is that much more. One day, a few months after that we were out running errands when we noticed the “coming soon” sign on a new Target that was being built near our house.
At the stop light near the construction site I looked over at my wife and she looked away, I noticed she was crying. Even though we were nearly three months along with our son, it hit us that the day that store was supposed to open was the due date on our first pregnancy. If things had gone right the child that we started to love would have turned two years old today.
While we had talked about it and thought it was past us, we quickly realized that it was never going to be out of our minds and hearts. I realize that many have gone through much worse, but for us this has always been a difficult time of year.
On the positive side, we are blessed with a healthy little man who, despite the fact that he is really starting to test his boundaries and our patience, brings us more happiness than we ever could have imagined.
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Wow. That is deep. So sorry to hear about the loss of the first pregnancy. I couldn't imagine. You guys are truly blessed with your little man.
Peace my friend.
You are 100% right about the problem solving. That gets me into a lot of trouble sometimes.
Sorry to hear about your loss. I have had a few friends go throught the same thing and I know it is very tough. I am glad that you have the little man to help ease the pain.
That was an incredible post, PJ. It made my guts churn for you and then brought a smile at the end. There's an element of being problem solvers that gives a (false) sense of being able to control things in our life. But when the unsolvable comes along it knocks us on our butt. What we do then is telling. I've cried those tears too – but not with sawdust. Again, great story.
Powerful piece of writing, PJ.
Oh, PJ. You didn't just start to love that baby, You did love that baby. I am so sorry that you have live with that hurt.
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Thanks for sharing that story. It must've been heartbreaking, both the loss AND not having answers.
I'm so sorry it's a bad time of year for you. You're right, you won't ever forget. I hope the pain eases soon. Before I read your post, I was looking at your blog header with the photo of you and your little man. It made me smile. I'm glad that you were blessed with a healthy little man who brings you such joy.
It is hard. During my wife's second pregnancy she took a test that often registers a false positive. Long story short she came up positive and we set up a meeting with a genetic counselor.
She told us that based upon the test it was likely that our baby had spinal bifida or Down's Syndrome. It was a rough moment.
We ended up having an aminocentesis and then went through the waiting to see if that would cause a miscarriage. I went through all sorts of hell feeling powerless to protect my family.
You are right, we are programmed to fix things and when we can't…
Right on, PJ. Learning that some problems are unsolvable is a tough one, especially for men. Sometimes all we can do is let our feelings flourish and get on with our life of doing.
Powerfully written. Thanks.
Losing a child is the most heartbreaking and while we have not been in your shoes, I am truly sorry for your families loss. God has blessed you with your little man. -Jason
I can relate PJ. We went through this twice before Will was born. And even though my head keeps reassuring me that it was just a collection of cells, I bonded with my unborn babies each time. And was heartbroken each time.
Good post.
We went through a similar situation. It's tough, to say the least, and many times so much focus is placed on the mom that the dad can be lost in the shuffle of sympathies. We're supposed to be tough and be the shoulder upon which to cry but sometimes we need to cry too. Rarely are we asked how we're doing. Thanks for sharing your story and letting others know that the dad suffers in his own way.
We also lost our first pregnancy and I also went the surgical route and my husband expressed a lot of the same feelings that you have shared here. We still talk about “Bunny” from time to time. The sadness lessens for us… but it was definitely a strengthening and growing time in our marriage.
We also lost our first pregnancy and I also went the surgical route and my husband expressed a lot of the same feelings that you have shared here. We still talk about “Bunny” from time to time. The sadness lessens for us… but it was definitely a strengthening and growing time in our marriage.
We also lost our first pregnancy and I also went the surgical route and my husband expressed a lot of the same feelings that you have shared here. We still talk about “Bunny” from time to time. The sadness lessens for us… but it was definitely a strengthening and growing time in our marriage.
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